Gentlemen, the endangered species -2

Plodding through with grace

I've witnessed wonderful gentlemen verbally

abused in public by their spouses (from hell). Yet

these men plod through the situation with grace,

while the harridan wife looks like she deserves to

meet Jack the Ripper.

An acquaintance of mine thought she was being

witty by introducing her dashingly handsome

spouse by saying, "I'd like you to meet my

house-band!"

What do you do? What do you say? I remember

muttering back, "Hmmm, now I understand why

you answer your phone like your house was on

fire!" With my obvious talent for restraint, I don't

think I'll pass a snap test on being a gentleman

even if I crammed to memorize the right things to

say and do all night.

In my favorite Hemingway book, "A Moveable

Feast," a chapter pitifully relates how Zelda, Scott

Fitzgerald's wife, cruelly and systematically

controlled him. Hemingway's indictment? Zelda was

a hawk, and hawks do not share. Zelda was

jealous of Scott's writing and the time it took him

away from her. As Zelda resented his charisma, as

he was a gentle-mannered man, she would berate

her husband even in the presence of others. This

was Zelda's warped way to keep friends and

admirers away so she could have Scott all for

herself.

I have endured excruciating moments watching

arduously professional men shamed by corporate

superiors in front of fellow colleagues.

"Well, what do you think?" Silence. "Do you think .

. . ?" Silence. "Can you think?" Deeper silence. I

used to pretend not to hear. But through the

years, I learned how to simply get up and ask to

be excused saying, "I guess I should leave you to

work out some details that need more of your time.

Just let me know when we can meet again."

Abusive customers

I often see honorable men of the service industry

(waiters, cabin crew) summoned by "valued

customers" with a snap of a finger, a crude

"pssst," and the often condescending "boss!,"

"chief!," and "hoy!" Suddenly, these gold-card

carrying, self-styled paragons of wealth and power

turn into porcine figures before my very eyes. I

admire some young waiters, so remarkably imbued

with grace, as to continue serving and discharging

their duties despite the abusive demands of

customers. (Of course, I recoil at stories of how

some waiters "get even.")

Gentlemen wouldn't think of hitting back crudely.

But isn't the instinct to react deeply woven into

our human fabric? Doesn't our ultimate book of

good manners and ethics decree, "Revenge is mine,

not yours!"

Instead of detailing how one can be a gentleman,

I'd like to list how we can bring out that gentleman

that resides in the hearts of all men.

Affirm gentlemanly behavior. I've seen women

being given a seat in a crowded bus with not even

a "thank you" or a smile of appreciation returned

for the deed. Speak up and thank the man for his

gracious gesture: "Thank you! You're so kind!"

Stop looking for the "perfect" gentleman. What's

required is progress, not perfection. One may

never attain the idea of the perfect gentleman,

but his effort to be one and stay one will make the

world a more civilized place to live in.

Besides, perfection is slow death. It can also be

boring. We need to make mistakes and learn how

to laugh at them. We need to let our heroes step

down from the pedestal we insist they stand on to

be more human. As such we can be more tolerant

of shortcomings.

Dark side

Accept that we all have a dark side.

When the gentlemen of our lives disappoint us

because of a lapse in behavior, we don't have to

mourn the death of chivalry. Even the brightest

sun is predictably eclipsed and the silvery moon

wanes with a dark overlay. This level of

acceptance from you will further encourage men to

strive for noble deportment.

Take the time to practice and role-play. At home

or at work, invest time (and expense) to become

more familiar with social graces. Ask a

knowledgeable friend to facilitate a workshop.

You'll find the investment pays off handsomely with

the ease and comfort you get at being relaxed in

any social encounter.

Care to correct behavior when needed.

In a family or among friends, strike an agreement

to correct one another when slips or gaffes occur.

You can make out discreet signals, so the one

being corrected won't feel shamed.

The number of gentlemen will flourish, we just have

to do our part. We need to take the time to affirm

their splendid manners and ways. We need to

encourage these beautiful men to continue

behaving as such, even if there's so much bad

behavior around.

During the recent PR Summit, with some of the

country's top public relations managers in

attendance, some "summiteers" blatantly ignored

the request of Romeo Virtusio's gracious wife to

shut off their cell phones. It's a scary sign,

considering that this rude display came from men

who were supposed to be image engineers.

Gentleman Virtusio did not lose his cool while the

culprits (a guy and two hotel PR ladies, living

travesties to the PR profession in Manila) took calls

during a foreign speaker's lecture.

But I guess, as a lame comfort, we sometimes

need the show of ugliness to make gentlemanly

ways shine.